Week 18 & 19: The black hole…

Black hole in space

And then there was this black hole…blacker than this black hole is impossible. We’re talking about that huge black hole where everything disappears. The big nothing. That’s why there was no post last week. I just wasn’t able to write it. Now I’m ready again but prepare yourself, it’s going to be a whining one.

If you are looking forward to something and then when it’s gone, how do you deal with that? Apparently I’m handling it like a couch potato. Everything became too much and the only thing I wanted to do was to throw on my backpack again and just start walking. Walking away from all responsibilities, obligations and expectations, just walking. It didn’t matter where to, as long as the weather was fine with 20 degrees and a Simpsons sky. But, everything got back to normal and I jumped back on the carrousel of life.

However, those expectations are becoming a bit of a thingy. Everyone has so many expectations of me. Even really unrealistic ones like nowadays, after my gastric bypass. Look, I never was a size 0 nor I’ll never become a size 0. Maybe if I’m dead, being buried for over a year and being a bit mummified, only then I might be a size 0. But I’m postponing that for another oh I don’t know, 40 years or so? Besides, I want to be cremated so it’s not gonna work anyway.

Then there is also that thing that my skin is becoming loose. No, besides my hiking and ballet classes, I’m not doing extra exercises because I really don’t feel like it and I just don’t have the time to do them. So maybe I look a bit older and have more wrinkles, maybe my tummy isn’t that flat, maybe my biceps are hanging at the bottom of my arms and maybe my boobs turned into chickenbreast (not the stuffed ones. The floppy ones) but you know what? Nobody has to point that out to me. Really, some people never heard of the expression: “If you haven’t got anything nice to say, please say nothing at all”. D6CCD1C4-385D-44A5-A9A3-F1DAAC71236D

You know what’s difficult to do as well? Eating in public. I’m fed up with all the comments as: “Are you sure you want to eat that?”, “I thought you had to eat less!”, “Can you eat that?”. I can eat whatever I want, just in small portions and as long as it’s well-balanced. So I can eat a french fry, I can drink a glass of wine and yes, I can eat a whole banana. I eat really well-balanced and the only thing that’s still a problem, are those stupid 6 eat moments.

2 weeks ago, on April 30, I discussed this problem with the doctor at the Obese Clinic during my medical exam. She put me at ease because she said that it is better to have 5 eat moments than 6, including a large portion of stress. Oh wow, that was a relief and when she said: “I told you so”, I really felt like a slim Cinderella, including the tiara and glass slippers (no heels, my foot still hurts). She said I’ve lost almost 50% of my overweight. Me! The one who was loosing weight so slowly that my scale would fall asleep the moment I walked it’s way. I’ve lost over 20kg. The strange thdifferent_size_clothesing is that it’s only 1 or 2 sizes. It would be more fun if it was something like 4 sizes, that’s a good reason to start shopping. But now, now I think it’s still a waste of money. I just wear a belt with my jeans, blouses open over a T-shirt instead of buttoned up and my dresses are just more wide.
Who cares?

Well, as relaxed as the doctor was, so not-relaxed was the dietician of the OB Clinic during the group sessions the next day. Those group sessions really suck but they are mandatory. Before my surgery I found it sometimes quite useful but now it’s just a waste of time. Okay, so that day I had 3 group sessions and the 1st one was the one with a psychologist. She explained us something but I honestly can’t remember because of my short attention span. Sorry ☹

The 2nd session was with the dietician. Oh, a little explanation first…. Before I entered the OB Trajectory I had to go to a dietician for 6 months. I found one via http://www.dieetplaneet.nl and I still see her once a month. Since she is not working for the OB Clinic, I have to pay for it myself but I really don’t mind because I like her. The most important thing why I like her; she doesn’t raise that bad index finger at me.
Let’s continue…
The non-relaxed dietician works in a different manner. When we discussed the eat moments and I explained that it’s really hard for me to have 6 of them, she looked like she wanted to raise her finger saying “Fie!”. I know I have some authority issues and I hate being told what to do, so when she started reacting like that,  my eyes found something interesting to look at outside and I became particularly deaf (lalala I can’t hear you lalala)…

Oh, and now the 3rd and last session of the day. The sports session! I forgot we had to sport because I lost the schedule and I only wrote down where and when to come. Therefore I wasn’t wearing a sport outfit. When I entered the room the (new) teacher asked me if I was wearing “that”. Let me think…. Gym shoes (still can’t wear anything else because of my foot), stretch jeans, T-shirt. During the sport sessions I’ve never lost one drop of sweat so I answered: “Yes, I’m okay”. That wasn’t the answer she was hoping at, gosh…I’m really bad in making new friends.
During the session we received a list with 10 exercises and we had to write down how many times we think we can do them, then do the exercises and write down how many times we could do them. It’s to see if you under- or overestimate yourself. I admit, it can be an eye opener if they are normal  exercises! I mean, one of the exercises was to step in and outside a hula-hoop. Really! Nothing special like lifting your leg or something, just stepping in and stepping out a hula-hoop. WTF??? Are you kidding me? I’ve just walked over 192 kilometers with a 10kg backpack on my back, up and down hills. How many times do you thing I can step in and out a stupid hula-hoop?!

Do you understand why I feel those group sessions are a waste of my time? I understand the idea but it’s not very personal. Oh, and I might not be the best participant in a group anyway. After the very first session, before the surgery, they made a WhatsApp group. I had some doubts about joining since it’s already hard for me to maintain a friendship and now a million gazillion messages in a group? Yeah, it didn’t take very long before I stepped out. My point, being a member of a group is hard work and not meant for everyone (like me).IMG_1659

I do like sessions though, at least, it looks that way. After all the sessions at the Obese Clinic, I also had 2 sessions at the ADHD centre. One with my coach and one with the doctor about medication.
That coach is fantastic! I love to talk about random things in that office, nothing is weird, there is an explanation for everything, I don’t have to sit still, I can wave with my arms as much as I like and I don’t have to think before I speak. The only annoying part is that sometimes my coach says something too. Oh, and that he gave me homework! Really? I’m not a schoolkid right? Ah well, I lost the form so I can’t make it. Problem solved 😊

The plan is for me to have a coach in combination with medication. That way the noise in my head might stop, no more guilty feelings if I’m not doing anything, less chaotic, more secure about myself, less impulsive, etc. The list goes on and on.
So next time when you see a zombie who has complete control over her life, it’s me! Nah, just kidding. The medication is not strong enough to zombify me. zombieThere meant to be an aid together with the coaching. It’s going to take a while though before they have the right doses. I don’t react very well on medication. I can tell you a lot of stories but I’ll keep them for next time…. If I remember. Particularly the story about the anaesthetist who almost got strangled because an epidural didn’t work is quite funny. He might think differently though.

Until next time 😊

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